No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.