I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet