In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people