I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.