In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.