like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?