Hey! This isn’t my car!
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Practicing safe sax