Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste