You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet