Optional boss fight.
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.