I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You Might Also Like
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts