Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
this is uni
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*