Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.