Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]