Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning