I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Your honor these allegations are
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*