waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.