*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole