Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Krampus.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*