The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Does your wife know you’re single?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.