I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
There’s never enough good news
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.