“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.