[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
You Might Also Like
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My Sentiments Exactly
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*