Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.