Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives