So many pants.
So little yoga.
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
had to share :’)
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?