I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
PLEASE READ
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
New Tinder profile.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate