My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director