The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”