Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Pikachu found the lost joint
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”