CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
You Might Also Like
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Are we there yet?…
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.