Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Software Development ⛵️
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???