If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
You Might Also Like
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me as a therapist: omg same
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.