Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”