ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
gm
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.