If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
You Might Also Like
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Damn he played himself
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Have a lovely day 😊
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.