wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.