Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
こいつ天才
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.