Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.