the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.