Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions