“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
OH. COME. ON.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it