“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My dog ate my work from home.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO