“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT