A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
cause of death:
autopsy.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig