The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
This could’ve been an email.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year