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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.