Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You Might Also Like
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.