The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Leaving the Barbers like
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now