Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases